Row Away Review (PC)

I’d rather capsize than have to endure the emotional trauma of having to wade through another river with an ineffective paddle, but when life gives you lemons — eh, you just have to take a big ol’ chunk out of it and roll with the tide, so to speak. Don’t get me wrong, if I had any other choice, I’d probably opt for an easier downward trajectory—a cascading path that is more forgiving than the relentless descent that is Row Away’s ungodly waterfall. Yet, I’m all out of options, and the only viable solution to this ravenous situation is to bite the bullet and float — forwards, backwards, or whichever way the wind decides to take me. For the record, I hate that I’m in this predicament, similar to how I hated the idea of having to swing Bennett up a mountain. But I’m here, and I’m smiling through gritted teeth.

It’s giving me hellhole vibes, this winding cortex of rapid tides and irritating rock formations. It’s almost as if I’ve been here before, and I’ve accomplished this exact feat in another vessel. The energy is identical, but for all the wrong reasons. And the concept is, if anything, a far cry from being biblical. But there’s joy to be had here, not necessarily in the process of finding stable ground in a watery labyrinth, but in the small milestones that reward you for your patience and determination to reach the final stretch. The only issue is that the rewards are few and far between, and that the payout doesn’t exactly reflect the tears. Alas, there’s a market for these sorts of games, so it’s best to not ask questions, apparently.

Gently Down the Stream

Row Away is a classic take on the “rage” genre—a subsidiary that includes the likes of Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy, Hop To It, and Baby Steps. As such, the game follows a similar pattern, with a lack of context and hand-holding in place to ensure that new players have little choice but to swallow their pride and, well, wing it. Unlike the rest of the rage-inducing platforming games, however, Row Away instead opts for a nautical exercise—a rafting endeavor that pits its fledgling sailors against a perilous river that, for some reason, sprouts more sharp rocks than a teenager grows pimples. But you get the idea.

Row Away isn’t so much about finding a mythical secret to exhume as it is about learning how to deal with your lack of cognitive prowess. I suppose it’s one of those sorts of ordeals—a game that intentionally trims the fat and the fodder from the mix to mock and belittle you for, you know, fun. With nothing but a barrel, a paddle, and an interconnecting stream of watery biomes to wade through, the goal is simple: trickle down the current and reach the final hurdle. Much easier said than done, mind you, thanks to the ludicrous amount of obstacles that stand between you and the checkered flag.

Without a Paddle

The mechanics aren’t an issue here; in fact, the entire system is watered down and squeezed into a couple of actions: clicking left to row, and moving the mouse to rotate the barrel. That’s not a problem. But what is a problem is learning how to balance both actions in an efficient manner without accidentally colliding with each and every obstacle that floats. Suffice it to say, Row Away is very much a game that enjoys putting hurdles in front of you, similar to how other rage bait worlds thrive on tempered grounds and frustrated players. But it’s to be expected with games like this. In fact, it openly states in the initial portion of the game that you will force yourself to exit stage left. It’s just a relief that there’s a checkpoint system, eh?

From a visual standpoint, there honestly isn’t much to write home about here. It’s certainly a vibrant work of art that taps into that cartoon-ish aesthetic incredibly well. It’s also a colorful canvas that knuckles in on the same cliche biomes that we’ve seen dozens of times before, including an ice-drizzled lake, a sandy beach, and of course, a jolly green forest. And while all of these locations are surprisingly nice to gawp at, I wouldn’t say that they bring anything particularly interesting to the scene. But maybe that’s just me being picky. Or (and this is a big or) I spent far too long with a veil of crimson red over my eyes to notice the pleasantries. Let’s go with that.

On the bright side, Row Away does at least have some quality audio and a fitting soundtrack to call its own. It isn’t particularly mesmerizing, much less

Verdict

Row Away isn’t quite as antagonizing as your usual rage bait IP, but it is a pain in the neck to master. On the bright side, it is a game that rewards you for being patient and giving it the time of day, despite being so morally inclined to brandish you at every opportune moment. But it comes with the territory; it’s in the DNA of rage games — so it’s not as if I’m in a position to slate it for, well, doing its job as authentically as possible. I have to hate it, I think. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it makes for a bad game, much less one that’s undeserving of the spotlight.

To cut a long story short, if you, too, enjoy paddling around in ravenous waters of an unforgiving nature, then you’ll probably enjoy losing your patience to the strenuous act of bombing it down a river bend in a shoddy barrel. Again, you will hate it. But if you can muster up enough patience and energy to see it thrift to the bitter end, then you might just come out on the other side with a better outlook on life. Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea.