Old Timer Transport Review (PC)

I’m not saying I could break the sound barrier or anything, but when I climb aboard my mobility scooter, I’m lightning quick—“sonic boom” quick. The passenger trailing behind me in a makeshift wagon—the one who’s currently grazing their knees along the asphalt begging me to squeeze the brakes—on the other hand, isn’t quite as enthusiastic about this as I am. But I couldn’t care less, for I’m the one driving, and even with a couple of hearing aids, I still can’t decipher their words, much less contemplate their negative thoughts. In this world, the Old Timer Transport network calls the shots, even if it means that we have to endure a few touch-and-go lawsuits and potential manslaughter charges along the way.

I’m scooting around in this recreation of a Playmobil sandbox, half wondering where it all went wrong, and half concerned over just how much fun I seem to be having ramping turbocharged mobility scooters off of molehills and committing an absurd amount of crimes. I think I’m doing it right, but then again, with few tasks for me to complete, I’m not entirely sure which direction I’m leaning towards. But, from what I’ve gathered, this is right; I have to patrol a primordial and, dare I say, somewhat barebones cityscape, and alternate between two tasks: cause carnage aboard this unnatural vessel of mine, and deliver unfortunate souls to hospital to avoid a penalty fine. The world is up in flames — but that’s good, I think.

With Just Die Already already signposting the fact that indie developers have this questionable desire to penalize the elderly, I’m beginning to wonder what it is that they’ve done to deserve such a treatment. Even still, I’ve come to learn one thing from this: rebellious pensioners make for terrific targets.

Life In the Fast Lane

Old Timer Transport doesn’t beat around the bush with its concept—a concept in which, although somewhat controversial and lacking in consideration for its chosen targets, its creators voluntarily choose to  frontline pensioners and reverse their stereotypes. In this world, you don’t find a flock of gammon-and-kidney folk who prioritize living in the slow lane; on the contrary, you find a horde of reckless pensioners who would soon rather flatten their neighbor with their mobility scooter than tackle the weekly word search with their nearest and dearest chums. And I can’t complain about any of this, even if it is a little, shall we say, out there.

The game is simple, as is the locale that fleshes out its premise and just about everything that fortifies its four walls. Granted, there isn’t a huge amount of story to soak up here, much less any twists or turns that could keep you on the edge of your seat for a dozen of hours, for that matter. No, Old Timer Transport is a little more gimmicky than that. It’s a PvP game at heart, and so, naturally, it prioritizes full-frontal vehicular combat and mindless rampaging over anything else in the book. Does it work? Eh, it doesn’t not work, but like a lot of comical ideas, it’s a subjective thing. Do you enjoy the idea of blitzing through the streets on the back of a mobility scooter? If so, then great. But if not, then honestly, you might struggle to gel with the pipes that construct this OAP-centric sandbox.

A Few Missing Teeth

The goal is as straightforward as they come: deliver your patients to the hospital. Sounds easy, right? Well, it would be, if it weren’t for the other pensioners fighting tooth and nail to steal your cargo and add a few unwanted obstacles to your journey. If you can remove those things from the equation, then sure, you could say that it’s an easy game. The reality is though, with a physics-based control system and a world that’s forever exploding and sourcing fresh ways to alter the landscape on your tail, such a feat isn’t all that simple after all. But that’s PvP for you, I suppose: mindless chaos on a silver platter.

I can’t say that Old Timer Transport looks pretty, because it’s certainly a few teeth short of a full set. It’s glossy and it’s vibrant, I’ll admit — but that’s about as much as it has to offer as part of its fairly limited scope. Not that this is the primary focal point, mind you. Sure enough, if you can bypass the fact that it looks like a children’s coloring book on adrenaline boosters, then you shouldn’t find it to be a problem. It’s a budget-friendly ordeal, if anything, so I wouldn’t roll into it with the hopes of seeing anything special or memorable. And there are a few bugs here, too—little things, nothing majorly game-breaking, but things that could do with a bit of extra time in the oven.

Verdict

Old Timer Transport is as gimmicky as one might expect from a game that pretty much wears its heart on its sleeve and its false teeth in its mouth. It’s a fun concept, I’ll admit, and it does have just enough of that comical appeal to keep you bolting around on your mobility scooter for an hour or two in between other stops. With that said, I can’t quite bring myself to say that it’s teeming with things for you to do outside of the general scoot-and-slaughter trials. And I’ll be honest, the world itself isn’t quite as busy or as beaming as it could be, with only a small selection of set pieces and points if interest for you to take full advantage of during your time in the hot seat.

I imagine that, if you do happen to enjoy niche PvP titles that don’t take themselves too seriously, then you’ll more than likely get a kick out of booting the wheels of Old Timer Transport. If you can go into it with the expectation of it being a cheap romp through a rather generic world that doesn’t offer the same fixtures of a sturdier, meatier, and more structurally superior IP, then sure, you ought to be able to find some sort of value in this shoddy pair of dentures.