Church Simulator Review (PC)

And on the seventh day, God created perhaps the most shambolic ode to Christianity in the loose form of a simulation video game. Church Simulator — it isn’t a biblical sonnet to faith; it’s a clunky, oftentimes blasphemous heap of junk that just works when it probably shouldn’t. Is it a game? Eh — it’s something, though a full-fledged video game wouldn’t be an accurate description of what it is, if it’s anything at all. No, what Church Simulator is, really, is a ludicrously simple, perhaps even broken independent project that sneaks small bursts of religious subtext into a weird but annoyingly entertaining build ‘em up sim. And with that, we’ve our first hurdle: the lack of originality in the concept.

Sadly, Church Simulator is a lot of things, but a solid representation of modern Christianity isn’t one of them. But that’s not what it envelopes itself as; rather, it makes a viable argument that not all religious IP has to be serious to be, you know, fun. And I’ll be honest, Church Simulator is fun — at least for the first few chapters. After that, it becomes less about bible study and more about veering further from the lines to generate weird but wonderful iterations of the same book. It isn’t a religious game, per se, though it does teeter along the foundations of Christian faith and culture. Yet, its attention to the spiritual aspects of the church are so indescribably minute that you hardly notice them.

To burst your bubble before we even begin, I will say this: if you had high hopes of buckling in for a biblical revival in an interactive form, then you’d better believe that Church Simulator is arguably the worst possible candidate to fly the flag for Christianity. With that out in the open, let’s begin.

On the Eighth Day…

Church Simulator is exactly what it sounds like: a replicated, almost saturated version of a generic chore core business simulation game. Think any game that adopts a checkout, a choir of loyal followers, and a brittle bone structure for a central hub, and you should, in all likelihood, have a good idea of what it looks like before even opening up to the 1:1. The point is, if you are slightly familiar with games that lean on all of the same tropes as the likes of Supermarket Simulator, then you needn’t fret about the possibility of having to learn any new mechanics or instructions, for Church Simulator is, in spite of its best efforts to funnel knowledge and wisdom upon its users, a dull simulator that’s been doused in Holy Water. And that’s it.

Like the vast majority of its peers, Church Simulator offers you the chance to transform a small husk of a building into a bastion of faith and pride. Also like the oversized congregation, it allows you the freedom to experiment with various means of accruing wealth and other somewhat lavish benefits. But, herein lies the second hurdle: the fact that even the greatest of rewards in the game are mostly hidden behind an insurmountable cortex of stupidly predictable and boring jobs.

Monotonous tasks come with the territory, I suppose — but that doesn’t change the fact that Church Simulator is still an absolute snooze fest. And the worst part is, it doesn’t teach you about religion; if anything, it allows you the flexibility to make a mockery of it. And that’s a bit of a double-edged sword, as it does indeed appeal to those who would soon rather play God than serve as a digital disciple, but at the cost of losing its authenticity and integrity.

To Teach Is to Learn

Speaking of monotonous tasks and dull gameplay hooks, Church Simulator contains a lot of the same generic filler that frequents a bog-standard business sim. By that I mean, with no disrespect to church priests, jobs that involve conversing with churchgoers, installing small but effective decorative items—paint, pews, and other thematic items—and (you’d better brace yourself for this one) baptizing newborn babies. With all of these tasks comes a simple loop for you to follow—a cycle that takes you roughly thirty minutes to complete before the cycle naturally repeats itself and tasks you with, you know, rinsing and repeating.

To give credit where it’s due, Church Simulator does have what it takes to make religious studies laughably comical. It’s all rather tongue in cheek in that, despite its best intentions of centering its world around the pedestal that is tradition, it doesn’t take itself too seriously, nor does it make an attempt to spoon feed you unnecessary jargon to fill the blanks, so to speak.

Unfortunately (and you can take this with a pinch of salt), Church Simulator is something of a technical and visual catastrophe. Like its kin, it sadly lacks the grace and cutting edge graphics needed to immerse its players into an authentic experience. But maybe that’s not a bad thing. Surely, if you can gloss over the fact that it isn’t the be all, end all of religion-centric games, then you probably won’t struggle to enjoy the half-baked blasphemies that tie into this problematic sim.

Verdict

Church Simulator shouldn’t be brought up at your next bible study meeting, not because it lacks the teachings of Jesus Christ or Christianity, but because it more or less extends its right arm to provide you with the opportunity to flip the script, so to speak. This isn’t a bad thing, mind you; in fact, it’s a thing that will no doubt appeal to a significant portion of people, particularly those who share an interest in weird and intentionally half-baked simulation games. But even then, it comes at a price—a price that I’d imagine would make a lot of fledgling converters quake in their boots.

I can’t bring myself to say that Church Simulator is a good game, but I can almost see the appeal here. Is it an entertaining game? In short bursts, yes — but not because it makes the simple act of building a religious community feel gratifying, but because it centers its entire world around purposely ignoring the need to fortify its core with solid foundations. It’s a broken game, and sure enough, it’s about as ironclad as a toddler’s first toy box. Yet, when all’s said and done, there’s still a tremendous amount of joy in that. Sure, if looks bad, and it’s scarcely mediocre — but it is, as much as it pains me to admit it, frustratingly fun to unpack. Well, for the first couple of hours, at least.

Of course, if you enjoy mindless simulation titles that don’t take themselves too seriously, then you should be able to see beyond the veil of immaturity that enshrouds Church Simulator. If, however, you’re looking for something a little more authentic, then for the love of all things mighty, do not baptize the baby.