Cheese Rolling Review (PC)

As if I’ve just miraculously stumbled across a video game adaptation of my hometown tradition. It seems almost unreal, yet I can imagine that such a ludicrous blood sport would also make for a surprisingly good competitive multiplayer experience, given that said tradition is literally about jackknifing down a hill to catch a wheel of Double Gloucester. But I’m beside myself, truly, because whilst we, as Gloucester folk, have the likes of Harry Potter and Beatrix Potter to call our own, a playable iteration of our cheese rolling event is a spectacle that I never thought I’d see in the virtual world. But here I am, barreling down the summit of a hill that I’ve trekked hundreds of times before, once again chasing that famed wheel of cheese. Much like the prize, I’ve come full circle, and I don’t know how to feel about it. Proud, I guess?

As a local who has spent a lot of time around Cooper’s Hill—the historical landmark that attracts hundreds, it not thousands of spectators on an annual basis—I myself have a firm understanding of how ridiculous the cheese rolling tradition is. It’s so ridiculous, in fact, that I have a strong recollection of the pain and suffering that its participants have experienced over the years. A broken bone is commonplace, as is a hill draped with blood, sweat, and tears. Oh, and not to mention an intense whiff of cheese, which more or less surmounts the scent of cow manure and muddy boots. I haven’t participated in it myself, though I did make a pact that I would take part before I reached the ripe age of, I don’t know, forty. But I’m still not quite there yet. *Cue the sigh of relief*

Cheese Is Love, Cheese Is Life

For those of you who’ve yet to learn about the pagan tradition that takes place in Gloucester on an annual basis, it is, in short, an event that comprises multiple races—uphill and downhill—in which dozens of local adrenaline junkies chase a wheel of cheese to the bottom. The catch here is that, unlike your ordinary hill, Cooper’s Hill is more vertical—drop slide, almost quarry-like vertical. It’s because of that deadly angle that, as a safety measure, as well as to suppress the possibility of folks breaking their bones or mindlessly tumbling into an old cottage that sits just at the bottom of the hill, a crack team of seasoned rugby players are given the monumental task of tackling participants to the ground. Imagine that, but with twenty people barreling down in tandem at rapid speeds. That, in itself, is Cheese Rolling.

The video game adaptation of the above tradition isn’t quite as modern. As it turns out, Cheese Rolling is more of a love letter to the heyday of the event, by which I mean it doesn’t feature any of the lavish rules or regulations that feature in most modern events. With that, there are no veteran heroes nesting at the bottom of the hill, nor are there any safety measures in place to prevent an unfortunate incident. Instead, what you have here are the absolute basics: a cartoon-like incline for a hill, a roster of eight players, and a rag doll physics system that grants you the chance to create some stupidly comical moments amongst your friends and local cheese connoisseurs. And that’s about the brunt of it.

The Things We Do

There isn’t much of a point to Cheese Rolling. Well, if this was a real situation, then the point would be to claim eternal bragging rights and, of course, a big ol’ slab of Double Gloucester. In the game, however, you don’t have an incentive; in fact, your only purpose is to eject yourself from the pinnacle of the hill, and do all in your power to fly, flip, and flail around until a person—you, hopefully—reaches the bottom before the others. And that’s essentially all that this game is: eight players knocking heads on a vertical incline. There are no Fall Guys-like objects to overcome, or even any complicated mechanics to master, for that matter. It’s just you, the hill, and the cheese.

Perhaps I’m being overly biased, but the truth is, the game is a lot of fun. Well, it’s fun for about an hour or two, after which the novelty factor eventually fades out and the belly laughs gradually transition into mere huffs and the occasional smirk. Perhaps that warranty period could’ve endured a lot more, but the reality here is that, despite it being based on a single hill, there isn’t much for you to look at, much less do. The minimalistic design provably has something to do with that, though.

With all of the above out in the open, Cheese Rolling is still a heck of a good time. It’s unapologetically primitive in its design, for sure, but it’s also engaging enough to keep you emotionally invested for a short while whilst you naturally question your own purpose in life. Maybe that’s enough, I don’t know. It’s just cheese, after all.

Verdict

Cheese Rolling isn’t about to tumble through the ranks and become a staple among cult classic racing games, that’s for sure. That said, I find myself feeling awfully proud, even though it isn’t something to be proud of, given that it’s based on a tradition that has seen countless injuries and has, unfortunately, cost the taxpayer a concerning amount in hospital fees. But if you can look beyond all of that, then you can also see that, from an outsider’s perspective, there is a tremendous amount of comical value to gain here. And that’s what I’m taking away from this: the fact that, while it isn’t a perfect game, much less a striking one that pays homage to a local tradition in an authentic way, it’s still an incredibly entertaining experience that deserves recognition.

If you’re hell-bent on jumping into the fray to endure one of Britain’s most unorthodox pastimes, then it’s likely that Cheese Rolling will give you a vague idea of the quirkiness and dangers that naturally come with it. It isn’t the most visually appealing competitive game you’ll ever lay eyes on, I’ll admit. Even still, if you have an hour or two to spare, then I strongly recommend taking a trip up to Cooper’s Hill…and then throwing yourself down it.