Paddle Paddle Paddle Review (PC)

“GO RIGHT,” I screamed. “NO, RIGHT.” Nothing. It was like barking directions at a toddler on a trike. The idea was as clear as day; it was the execution that was sincerely lacking. I knew—oh, I knew all too well that it was supposed to be a simple mind game, that it was purposely designed to test our patience and bring us closer together. Yet I just couldn’t get over the fact that my companion—the guiding beacon who bore the slack—just could not paddle to save their lives. We laughed about it all — for a short while. After the first dozen attempts, however, the wind began to change, and the atmosphere eventually disintegrated into a somewhat sour state. I’d like to say that we came out on the other side of the pond triumphantly. But, annoyingly, Paddle Paddle Paddle had no intention of giving us that luxury.

As with any physics-based platforming game, you don’t technically need to be competent to overcome the obstacles that stitch themselves into the course. In most cases, the only thing that you must possess is an iron heart for failure and a patient demeanor. Like Crash Bandicoot, in the same manner that you trick yourself into believing that you’re timing your jumps properly, but in reality, you’re mostly guessing. Sadly, it’s the same situation here. But in Paddle Paddle Paddle, you don’t control a ragtag band of boxer short-wearing bandicoots; you control a paddle. Correction: two paddles — one for each of the two players who flesh out a raft. And that, really, is the foundation from which it erects its world.

“I Swear, I Will Throw You Overboard”

In Paddle Paddle Paddle, your objective is to navigate a half-baked obstacle course that’s teeming with tight corners, lava-drizzled canyons, questionable terrain, and barbaric set pieces that are highly reminiscent of a Total Wipeout stage. Either alone, controlling both paddles, or with a friend via an online or local multiplayer mode, controlling separate paddles, you are essentially invited to tackle whatever absurdities grace your path. A simple concept, for sure. And it should be simple, too — mechanically, at least. But, as it turns out, with its natural tendency for violence and forcing its players into a deep state of despair, it isn’t. Mechanically, it isn’t stable at all; on the contrary, it’s lacking in all aspects of functional programming.

Teamwork is, of course, the most important thing here, and Paddle Paddle Paddle does all in its power not necessarily to bring you closer together, but to help you burn bridges with whoever you manage to find yourself shackled to on the raft. But I think that’s sort of what it wants to accomplish: to create a hostile environment that allows you to both laugh at your mistakes whilst you simultaneously develop an ever-growing hatred for the one failing to pick up the slack. It’s all fun and games, for sure. But there comes a point, as with most janky platforming games, where your only two options are to either abandon your post, or rage quit and go for a long, long walk. In the end, I followed both routes. Thanks for that, Paddle Paddle Paddle.

What Are The Odds?

Granted, I wasn’t expecting much from the world. I figured, if Paddle Paddle Paddle was created in just under a month, and with the intent to have players romp through jumbled traffic and unorthodox routes, it was never going to look graceful, much less capable of making most modern platforming games quake in their oversized boots. And I wasn’t wrong, either. Oh, the continuous stream of mismatched terrain and nigh-impossible-to-traverse corners here are a delight to shovel through, truly. That is, if you enjoy the thought of being belittled by purposely incompetent patchwork. If you love to be the brunt of the joke, then you won’t find a shortage of brutal punchlines here, basically.

With all of the above said, there is something to enjoy here, weirdly enough. Sure, the wade-and-wobble tapping mechanics are tedious, as are most of the objects that make up the world and its asset-heavy courses, but even with all of that, it still delivers an oddly satisfying experience that’s annoyingly entertaining to shovel through with a “friend.” In all fairness, there is plenty of off-beat camaraderie, backhanded compliments, and a staggering amount of adolescent enthusiasm to help coerce you into sticking with the paddle to “have just one more go.” It doesn’t do much to incentivize the experience — but it certainly serves its purpose of flipping the bird to stylized multiplayer platforming games, at least.

Verdict

Paddle Paddle Paddle is the exact type of headache-inducing rage bait that I both adore and despise. It’s a premise that I also think is as equally ballsy as it is morally wrong, weirdly enough. Similar to Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy, I suppose, it idolizes the notion that every living person “probably” loves the act of tugging the hair from their scalps while battling to scrape the joy out of whatever ludicrously painful experience they just so happen to encounter. The bitter truth here is that, despite all of the blatant flaws and efforts to poke fun at their subjects, we still come back to them. I hate myself for that.

To cut a long story short, if you aren’t able to wait for the likes of Baby Steps to sink its teeth into the realm of annoyingly inept physics-based platforming, and if you’re all for the idea of receiving that near-perfect aneurism from failing to thread the needle, then you might just find that same level of frustration in Paddle Paddle Paddle. It probably won’t do you any favors, nor will it give you that confidence boost that you so desperately need, either. But if you’re all for the act of watching your sanity meter drain like grains of sand in an oblong-shaped hourglass, then you’re bound to feel right at home in this stupidly barbaric platforming-based hot mess.