Stone Simulator Review (PC)

My heart can be as soft as water, and my soul can be as tough as stone. Here, though, among the branches and the highlands, the wildebeest and the storms, it doesn’t matter what I am. Heck, it doesn’t even matter what I think, or even what I do. In a world that moves on regardless, a pebble, a stone, or even a boulder is futile—scarcely worth mentioning, much less sitting with to watch whilst the seasonal changes take hold and the universe ushers in a new age. So tell me, with that in mind, why on earth am I here, roughly two hours later, still watching a stone as if it were a marvel among spectacular flora?

Gee, I’d love to say that Stone Simulator has an unkept secret to it, or even that it houses some of the best gameplay mechanics in existence. But the truth is, it doesn’t contain anything of the sort. In fact, I’m not entirely sure if I can even slot it into the same box as a video game, for it is, in short, an idler about, well,  a motionless stone. And what’s even more interesting is that it has something of a storyline to it—a tale that spans several seasons and climate changes, rather fittingly. But that’s essentially all that Stone Simulator is: an idler title that bases its entire world around the evolution of a stone. It isn’t a stone that’s blessed with supernatural powers, nor is it with a magical garment that allows it to converse with eccentric characters — or anything like that.

If, by some random miracle, you’re still here, then allow me to formally apologize for the following review. Full disclosure: I am fully aware that I’m talking about stone. 

The Gift of Stone

I’ll be honest, I did manage to maintain my posture long enough to witness Stone Simulator reach its final resting place. Like a stone face on Easter Island, I oddly froze up, and I watched patiently as it gradually transitioned from one season to the next, all while the remainder of my body was more or less screaming at me to just leave and do something else. As it turned out, though, it was a heck of a lot easier to say it out loud than physically remove myself from whatever it was that was taking place in front of me. And that’s something that I have to applaud: the fact that Stone Simulator, despite it lacking in almost any kind of visual or mechanical appeal, is weirdly capable of holding your attention. I don’t know why, or even how it manages to keep you immersed, but it does.

In case you were wondering — no, there isn’t a game for you to unpack here. Or at least, not in the traditional sense, anyway. Matter of fact, it isn’t much of an experience at all; it’s just a visual representation of how we, as humans, have a peculiar fascination with inanimate objects and things that are completely devoid of life. Yet, in Stone Simulator, that reflection is essentially paired with a treasure trove of Easter Eggs and deadpan humor. By that I mean, it allows you the opportunity to not only witness the story of a regular stone, but also bathe in various encounters, be it with the passing wildlife, or the frequent off-the-cuff remarks that the stone itself echoes in an almost tongue-in-cheek manner. Again, this is a costly piece of work. It’s just better if you don’t question it.

The World According to Stone

Stone Simulator doesn’t give you much to do other than sit and watch nature take its course. Every once in a blue moon, a seasonal event will take form, or an animal will merrily pass by, but the stone—the focal point of the game, of course—doesn’t do anything to contribute to the grand scheme of things. Simply put, the stone merely exists, and it tasks you with watching it as the world continues to evolve and prosper. With that, you might as well take everything with a huge pinch of salt moving forward. If it’s a game-game that you’re looking for, then you should probably just close this tab and move on.

Still here? Great.

Let it be said that Stone Simulator has a way of doing things, and in a surprisingly good way, at that. While it isn’t so much of an interactive experience as it is an unorthodox art installation, it does manage to bottle just a smidgen of therapy and make good use of its calming atmosphere. It’s almost like a background app, in the sense that it doesn’t ask much of you, but continues to unfold regardless. Yet, if you do choose to spend time with it, then you’ll eventually come to discover that it houses a lot more than just a stone. I won’t spoil anything here (if there is anything to spoil) but I will say that, with all due caution, you will find some comical dialogue and random events here. Is that enough to warrant the price of admission? You tell me.

Verdict

If you’re desperate to get your hands on an emotional tale that casts its web over a passionate stone and the whimsical romance that it shares with nature, then I’ll go ahead and burst your bubble now and say that, sadly, it just isn’t that sort of affair. No, if Stone Simulator is anything at all, it’s a by-the-numbers art piece that blends frequent comical references with a painfully slow and static gameplay style. Suffice it to say here, then, that you probably won’t find enough here to scratch that itch of yours — especially if said itch is also hell-bent on receiving a swathe of rigorous combat and in-depth character development.

On the flip side, Stone Simulator is a weirdly soothing experience with a surprising amount of depth to show for an otherwise ridiculously dull subject matter. For the record, it isn’t a game, so you might as well forget about ever finding anything of that sort to uncover here. That said, if you’re open-minded enough to let bygones be bygones and stones be, well, stones, then there’s a tiny chance that you will get a kick out of this unusual but oddly satisfying rock formation and its brief existence. Again, please take that with a pinch of salt.