You Suck at Football Review (PC)

“Oh yeah?” I hollered with a smug grimace, expecting the ball to ricochet through just about every obstacle like a pinball machine racking up bonus points in the eleventh hour. “Watch this.”  The ball struck a sharp mechanism, followed by a series of tediously placed swinging dodgeballs, and then, after mocking me for the best part of thirty-seven seconds, cascaded into an spiraling abyss. My friend laughed. The ball laughed. And I, frustrated by the thought of having to attempt it all over again, could only recall that opening piece of pep talk: “You Suck at Football.” Sadly, it was true.

Having spent another minute or two collecting my thoughts (and the ball from the underbelly of the abyss), I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t me who sucked at football; it was the game that sucked. But it sucked in the best possible way, weirdly. It was built to torture, similar to how Baby Steps (or any other rage-inducing game, for that matter) was designed to test your patience and keep you from belittling your opponents and claiming bragging rights. You Suck at Football was of a similar kindred mind. It wasn’t there to hold your hand and guide the ball into the back of the net for you; it was there to make you hate the sport and EVERYTHING THAT—

…After a short breather and a long stare at the mirror, I figured I’d give it another shot. I grabbed the ball, and then I stapled the studded boots to my feet. The voice echoed once again, telling me that I sucked at football. I knew it all too well, too. But I didn’t care. I just had to reach the summit. I needed to reach the darn summit.

“YOU WILL NOT MAKE THIS SHOT”

You Suck at Football is a physics-based game that has no moral compass, let alone any reason to guide you. It’s a rage game at heart, much like Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy, in that it more or less forces you to tackle obstacles of an otherworldly nature à la Total Wipeout. The idea, though, is written in black and white: navigate a ball through a spiraling world, and, with dumb luck and perseverance, bring it to the apex. The only downside to this is that, if you fail to tiptoe the ball through the course, you have to start from scratch. In other words, you have to play the field roughly a hundred times in order to score a goal, so to speak. A bit like a toddler’s away game on a mud-soaked pitch, I guess.

The gameplay is exactly what you would expect from a rage bait indie: filled with unfair obstacles, tedious curveballs, and a sickening amount of physics-based jank. I say this with love though, because to be honest, it is actually quite a lot of fun to shovel through, all things considered. It’s one of those types of ordeals—the sort where you gradually learn to love it, but only after succumbing to the madness of it all and coming to the realization that things, in general, just aren’t fair. It’s getting to that point in time, that’s the issue. Go figure.

At the end of the day, You Suck at Football isn’t there to be your friend. If it’s anything at all, it’s a stubborn tongue-in-cheek joke that idolizes messiness and failure. It won’t be for everyone, but it’ll probably wax well for those who love a bit of mindless chaos and rage humor.

An Elusive Goal

You Suck at Football doesn’t flaunt the best graphics in the world, or even the mechanics of a well-oiled physics-based sandbox game, for that matter. But it does get the job done with the tools that it has in its arsenal—a vibrant course, annoyingly slinky gameplay elements, and a diverse set of obstacles, to list just a few of its standout strengths. To say that it’ll go on to score the hearts of everyone in the room is a long shot — but fans of these frustration incubators ought to find something to scratch their itch with here. Well, probably.

As far as in-game mechanics go, there isn’t a great deal that you need to wrap your head around here. In fact, You Suck at Football only has a few options for you to work with: dribbling, dodging, and running. It’s a hot mess, I’ll say that much. But then, I think that’s exactly what it was going for, annoyingly. Is there a trick to beating it? No — but you have every reason to formulate a strategy all the same. That is, of course, until it belittles you and sends you back to square one. Thanks for that, team.

There is one issue—a blessing or a curse, actually—that I have to address here, and that’s the length of the game. As it turns out, you can beat the course and experience all there is to do in as little as an hour, give or take. Not a major problem, but something that I can’t help but bring to the table, nonetheless.

Verdict

You Suck at Football not only makes you hate football, but it also makes you question your skills, your knowledge, and everything, in general. It’s the sort of thing that you’ll force yourself to play through once, and then, after swatting away the sweat and tears from your face, happily dropkick into the abyss before taking a long, long walk in silence. If that’s the rage bait that you’re hunkering down for, then I can assure you that You Suck at Football is more than capable of tending to your sickeningly questionable tastes. If, however, you lack the patience of a saint, and would soon rather jump into an easier alternative to get your kicks, then perhaps you ought to steer clear of this disaster and opt for another field.

With all of the above said, You Suck at Football is still an oddly enjoyable indie game. It’s frustrating, of course — but it’s also a game that conjures just as many belly laughs as it does spiteful screams. It’s also a surprisingly fun game to play with friends, too, even though it does test your camaraderie and collective skill level. With that, I’d suggest finding an ironclad companion to kick about with — not the ill-tempered stranger who you’d actively avoid during a local five-a-side match at your local tournament. If you can check all of those boxes, then sure, I’d say that You Suck at Football is worth throwing your money at. I think.