Unnatural Beauties Review (PC)

Do you know how some folks say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Well, that nonsense couldn’t be any further from the truth, and I can prove it. Here, I have a pig with the leg of a giraffe, the fickle wings of a rabid parrot, and the udder of a wild highland cow. In my eyes, it’s absurd—hideous, even. But to the judges of this pageant, it’s one of many, many Unnatural Beauties—a princess who can have one drooping face and still look stylish and, dare I say, elegant. I’m not entirely sure which planet these judges are on, but according to them, what I have is a real contender—a model that can win over the hearts of all observers, both stray and civilized. I’m not sure if I want to live on this planet, but if it means bagging a gold — eh.

This won’t be my first rodeo with the Unnatural Beauties pageant, but it’ll probably the last one I will subject myself to before abandoning this abomination (I called it Trevor for some reason — don’t ask) of mine. After this, I’ll source a few more animals down on the farmyard and, well, put their finest features into a blender and create another contestant for the next pantomime of a competition. It’s a barbaric and oftentimes arduous process, but it pays the bills (I think) — so I just sort of go with it, hoping that the prize will be worth the graft.

This Is Trevor, Queen of the Radioactive Jungle

Unnatural Beauties is a friggin’ strange game, but it is a game-game, nonetheless. It’s an unnatural game—to the point where you spend most of your time finding random animals, splicing their bodies into mismatched creations, and then entering them into beauty pageants for a shot at fame and fortune. That’s the bulk of it: winning beauty pageants with the things that you bring to the podium. Well, there’s a bit more to it than that. However, what this is, really, is a game similar to what you might’ve seen during your younger years—the paper-based activity where you would piece random cutouts together to create an animal or oddball humanoid. The only difference here, of course, is that you don’t threat them together to generate a few laughs — but a profitable business of sorts.

Naturally, the animals that you catch in your backyard each have their own unique qualities for you to splice together; for example, a bird is more likely to net you a higher aviation stat, whereas a feline is more likely to excel in speed. The aim of the game here, of course, is to balance out your creations with a mixed bag of parts found in the yard, and then compile them into an original beauty Queen to compete in a series of mini-games at a pageant. Once you have successfully managed to place in the top three of the pageant, you earn cash—a tool that you can use at a later date to unlock better traps and other intriguing objects to attract more animals in your garden.

The Favorite Child

To answer that all-important question of what you can scrape together from the carcasses in your garden — yes, is the basic answer. What I mean to say is that, if you can imagine it, then there’s a good chance that you’ll be able to create it. But that isn’t to say that you should. Take the mini-games into consideration; you may think that, by having a frog with other scaly body parts would be a good idea, the truth is, it would suck eggs at most land-based activities. And that’s where this simple yet annoyingly addictive strategic element comes into it. Like a lot of things that revolve around stats and “special” abilities, Unnatural Beauties makes it so that only the most well-balanced of creatures can compete and, you know, win. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. Frankly, I sorta preferred to make unholy abominations over plausible critters.

Thankfully, the game doesn’t take itself too seriously (duh), which means that, even if you don’t succeed in one of the several pageants, then you just return to the backyard, grab your trusty gnome sidekick, and go back to the drawing board to experiment with other synergies. And that’s what I love about it: it doesn’t care if you win, only that you take part and bathe in the quirkiness of the situation. Suffice it to say, it isn’t lacking in that department. The visuals, on the other hand, well, let’s just say they remind me of the pieces I used to make on Windows 98’s Paint back in the day. Just as well though, I suppose. I’d hate to see a realistic Trevor, much less anything else that I built from the bits and pieces I stumbled across in the yard.

Verdict

Unnatural Beauties set out to make something that would stick with me for a blooming long period of time — and it succeeded at doing exactly that. So, I’m unlikely to talk about it in future debates over which game is deserving of any prestigious awards — but I am, on the other hand, likely to catch Trevor lurking in my deepest, darkest dreams, donning a tiara and parading about in a swimming pool. I don’t want that, but it’s going to happen whether I like it or not. So, thanks for that, AshumArcade.

If you’re an avid lover of all things weird, wonderful, and a little far-fetched, then good news: Unnatural Beauties is most definitely capable of scratching that itch of yours. Granted, there isn’t much of a story for you to chip away at, but with plenty of comical and downright outrageous synergies to experiment with, you will more than likely find yourself spending a little too much time neglecting the mini-games and just trying out different pieces and oddball creations. And I think, when all’s said and done, that’s exactly what the devs wanted to achieve with it. Well played on that front, I guess. Mind you, that doesn’t exactly make the image of Trevor any less terrifying.