Unnamed Pogo Game Review (PC)

“Take your time,” the wise man said, oblivious to the fact that time was no longer my greatest concern, but the receding hairline that was only growing more and more noticeable with each passing moment. “The mountain is not going anywhere.” But of course, the mountain was never planning to uproot and leave. I, on the other hand, had every intention of burning the darn pogo stick and watching the blazing inferno from the lowest point of the summit. I can’t say that I was entirely convinced that climbing (or bouncing) to the peak was even worth the trouble, to begin with.

I knew right from the beginning that Unnamed Pogo Game would test my patience. It wasn’t the irritating and somewhat dainty graphics that annoyed me, but everything that it put between the summit and the base camp. Oh, I knew right from the get-go that, if I was to ever reach the summit, then I’d need to subject myself to a lot of traumatic experiences. It handed me a pogo stick, a skeletal ragdoll, and a simple choice: either master the art of bouncing, or die trying. At no point did it promise me untold riches, nor did it tell me that everything was going to get a lot easier. It just gave me an open goal, and a dozen defenders to sling between.

Unnamed Pogo Game is a game that you either get or you don’t. Taking it at face value, you wouldn’t think twice about it, and you definitely wouldn’t label it as a good-looking game. It’s actually an awful “game”—a thing that you might dabble with just to scratch that itch for twenty or thirty minutes. Yet, it seems to align perfectly with the traditional rage game—an idea that is often and unapologetically inept, but also capable of rewarding you with bragging rights. Like Getting Over It, it isn’t a game that you play for the plot, the world, or even the characters. Rather, it’s a game that you force yourself to endure. You don’t want to play it, yet something compels you to keep marching forward. There might not be gold at the summit, but there is a far greater reason to pull out all of the stops: to be able to laugh at those who fail to follow the same trail.

Needless to say that this isn’t a game that you need to unpack to understand. As the title openly states, the whole point of it is to ricochet and flail around on a pogo stick, and to navigate various obstacles en route to the pinnacle of a deadly mountain. You have a pogo stick, a troupe of equally frustrated players, and a goal that is about as obtainable as a first class ticket to the center of Antarctica. But of course, there is a catch: if you miscalculate a jump, or if you accidentally fall, then you must begin your ascent from scratch. And yes, this is a common occurrence.

As much as I’d like to say that Unnamed Pogo Game is the sort of experience that you tend to get better at as time passes, it isn’t. Unlike Getting Over It—a game in which you can gradually learn the basics, the flow of the hammer, and the movement of your body—Unnamed Pogo Game is a little more unpredictable. If you bounce in one direction, then you have a chance that the pogo stick will spontaneously decide to veer off in the opposite direction and conveniently collide with the one obstacle that will set you back. This is, for the most part, how you will be spending your time here: bouncing in random directions, and hoping that you will stick the landing. Spoiler alert: nobody sticks the landing. The mountain hates you, as does the pogo stick, apparently.

Speaking of obstacles and mountainous regions, you have a lot of the usual suspects that orbit a traditional rage game here—platforms, ledges, mushrooms, and narrow paths, for example. Granted, it isn’t the most original of its kind, though it does capture the PSX aesthetic well, with some tediously fluorescent visuals, cubed objects, and well-ribboned elevator-like tracks, to boot. The addition of the wise mentor is also a nice touch here. Not that it made me feel any better, mind you, to have an Olympic god remind me that I was no closer to the summit.

If you can ignore the frequent headaches and endure the pain and suffering, then there’s a slither of hope that you will actually enjoy pogoing around in this PSX-inspired hellhole. It’s unlikely that you’ll look back on it with fond memories I’ll admit. That said, if you can muster up the strength to learn the basics and apply them correctly, then you might just enjoy the journey. With a couple of friends, it can be a lot of fun, too — especially if said friends are the types to laugh at their own mistakes and bathe in the odd triumph. Regardless, it is worth taking it all with a huge pinch of salt. Unnamed Pogo Game isn’t for the faint of heart. It isn’t even a game that you should consider playing. If, however, you feel as if you have something to prove, then have at it, I guess. You’ve been warned.

Verdict

Unnamed Pogo Game leans into its rage game roots with an annoyingly complex, borderline impossible physics-based pogo-centric experience that makes the likes of Getting Over It feel like an absolute cakewalk. Courtesy of its irritatingly vibrant PSX atmosphere and its elevator-like ambiance, this skeleton-oriented ascent makes for the worst kind of nightmare — and we’ve endured a lot of them.

Believe it or not, you can have fun with a game like Unnamed Pogo Game. Unfortunately, you just need to have the patience of a saint and a good group of friends who can learn to laugh at their own mistakes. If you lack either of the two, then I’d suggest staying as far away as possible from this insufferable cesspit of skeletal remains.